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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Top 10 annoying public habits

Everyone wants to be noticed. That’s just human nature. Unfortunately, it seems like manners are going downhill at a rapid pace and people are getting noticed for all of the wrong reasons. So if it is your desire to annoy others and gain attention at any cost, then these ten suggestions just might help.

#1 – Use your cell phone in public as loudly as possible and as much as possible. Let’s be honest, everyone you encounter cares about what is going on in your life. If the young clerk at the convenience store interrupts your conversation to inform you of your total, glare at her. After all, she’s the one being rude by interrupting you.

#2 – When going to a fast food restaurant be sure to push ahead of anyone else who might be entering the establishment. Surely they won’t mind standing behind you for ten minutes while you decide what you’ll be dining on. After all, they have nowhere better to be and the back of your head is attractive.

#3 – Since everyone hears so much profanity these days they won’t mind if you show how articulate you are by using the “F” word in every other sentence. After all, doesn’t a vulgar lexicon add a little spice to the conversation?

#4 – Be sure to make out with your significant other in public every chance you get, no matter what gender or species. In fact, the people who stare should pay you. After all, it’s free porn. And when it’s sloppy it just shows you how “into” each other you are.

#5 – Don’t allow anyone else to finish a sentence. When someone else is trying to speak hold up you hand and say “stop.” Proceed to tell them your opinion which is always more interesting anyway. They may not like this at first but they’ll appreciate your intelligence later.

#6 – Ladies, wear your top as low cut as possible so that your breasts are in imminent danger of falling out. The worse your figure is, the more of an effect this will have. If you catch someone staring, berate them loudly for all to hear. After all, they should know better.

#7 – When it’s time to walk your dog, don’t take a scoop or bag with you. It’s not your problem if others don’t watch where they are walking. Besides, how can anyone prove it was your dog without DNA tests? If it happens to be you who steps in something unpleasant, refer back to #3 on our list.

#8 – Flatulence is a fact of life and is perfectly natural, so feel free to rip one off in public without apology. In the case of one of those quiet ones that slips out, look at the person standing next to you in disgust. It never hurts to shift the blame.

#9 – While flying, push your seat as far back as it will go and lean back as far as possible. The person sitting behind you won’t mind, especially on those long overseas flights.

#10 – Music touches the soul in a way that nothing else does. That’s why you’ll be doing everyone a favor by playing your music as loud as you possibly can while in public. You probably have better taste than everyone else anyway. Yes, Beethoven wrote some nice music, but could he “gangsta rap?”

By following these simple tips, you can virtually guarantee that you’ll never be invited anywhere. You will definitely leave your mark on the world, but for all of the wrong reasons.


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